The evils of swimwear

I am not going to apologize for not posting. It is lame.

Moving on, you may remember that my friend ‘E’ is getting married in Vegas… in 2 weeks. So, as I am mentally checking off the clothes/hair and makeup/shoes/booze that I will need while in Sin City, and I came across bathing suit. Shit. I don’t have one. I actually haven’t gone swimming in quite some time (I do not live somewhere that warrants the use of a swimsuit more than maybe twice a year- unless you have a hot tub and I don’t).

Upon realizing this, I immediately went out shopping for one (Hi, it is October). Luckily, there is a store specifically for swimsuits in my city (who knew?), and I was sure there would be something for me there. In a store devoted to swimwear, how can there NOT be something that would work? So in I go. Looking…. Looking…. Looking.
Soon, I realize that there are 5 types of swim suits for women:

1) The old lady/morbidly obese swimsuit- This one basically looks like a mu mu… except tight. It is pretty sexy.

2) The sports/speed racing swimsuit- Clearly the only people who buy these ones are also the people who shave every inch of their body to increase their speed. I doubt the patrons of Caesars would take well to me doing a breaststroke across the pool (because you basically have to prove yourself as a strong swimmer to wear this one).

3) The Middle aged swimsuit- Basically, if you are under 60 but over 45… this one is for you. Flowery, not ‘showy’, and has tummy control.

4) The small bikini. For women with little girls bodies. When the ‘bra’ (I use quotations here because it is NOT a bra in any way…) is smaller than the palm of your hand, it will not work for anyone who has either past puberty or weighs more than 100lbs. Seriously, not only will this bikini not fit you, but it won’t look good. It is not okay for someone to wear a bikini that is too small for them… even if they have an amazing body, wearing a too small bikini looks awkward/weird/gross.

5) The suit for everyone else- This one is almost like the ‘one size fits all’ clothing that you see in grocery stores/cheap ass stores. Usually, the ‘everyone else’ suit is a two piece (either a bikini or tankini) and comes in a variety of sizes/colours/fits. HOWEVER, as with the ‘one size fits all’ clothing, there are always those certain people who can’t wear this type of suit. I, for instance, am one of them.

The biggest problem? My breasts. Yup. I have large breasts. I won’t lie. I tried convincing my friends last weekend that my boobs were not as big as they thought, and really not much bigger than theirs. This lead to them trying on my bra and giggling while discussing how if they combined the size of their boobs, it would still be too big OR (my favourite) that they could STUFF IT WITH AN ENTIRE SHEET and it would still be too big. While I do think this a gross exaggeration (and probably had something to do with the 5 bottles of wine we consumed), I can not deny that I do have large breasts. Maybe in another post I will write about why having large breasts is only good for two things: attracting the very wrong kind of guy; or attracting the wrath of the women whose boyfriends are looking at them. But I digress.

Upon realizing that no swimsuit is sold in mainstream stores that would fit my criteria I went shopping online. I found one I kind of liked and decided to give it a try. This is code for ‘I found a website that does not charge extra for shipping exchanges/returns of product, so I ordered 10 and returned 9’. However, I spent the majority of last night sewing in a bra to the top of the suit…. Which is problematic in so many ways.

1) I am not a good seamstress. Clearly, sewing a bra into something that is basically Lycra is difficult, if not impossible.

2) The bra might hold more water than I am estimating it will, thus falling off completely. Yikes.

3) The bra might poke out at one point (although this is nearly impossible. Either it is all coming off or none of it is). Nonetheless, imagine me frolicking through the water with my breasts held in check, and OOPS the bra slips out. ‘Hey Maryanne!’ says the hot groomsman ‘What is going on with your top?’. And I would have to reply ‘Well, I had to sew a bra into my top because it wasn’t supportive enough for my gigantic breasts!’
Classy.