9 years ago

Time- 1998.

During the class president nomination 'ceremony' of my grade 8 class, I was nominated. Flattered, and somewhat surprised, I accepted the nomination and campaigned for the presidency. I won. And then we had recess. During that 15 minutes, I was accused of 'buying' votes from my classmates and being 'pushed' in by the teacher because he wanted a girl on the committee (by the opposition). Keep in mind, these were a bunch of 13 year olds. The opposition was an interesting fellow.... one who most people either did not know or did not like, yet most of the students believed him. Less than one hour later, 5 people were in the Principal's office (including myself), no less than 3 kids were crying (including myself) and one person got suspended for 2 days (not me). I resigned as president the next day.
This is the first memory I have of realizing how much influence one person can have, regardless of their position in the group.
Anyway, I dreamt about this last night. It was weird.

All the hustle and bussle...

So I attempted the impossible today. Christmas shopping.
Between dodging screaming children rolling down the mall, feeling like I wanted to run over every pedestrian who walked in front of my car, and the grouchiness of my sister, I didn't accomplish much at all. Normally I can deal with the bitchiness of all the customers, the need for other people to nudge you over while looking at something, and even the kids being their annoying selves. However, when my sister asked to come along because she had a few things to pick up, and the afternoon turns into me standing around in ridiculous shops waiting for her and constantly saying 'No, I think that skirt is cute' or 'Why don't you just try it on' or 'Yes, I think that colour would look fine on you', I left feeling exhausted, frustrated and completely defeated.

Nothing that a bottle of red wine, national lampoons christmas vacation and the purchase of a beautiful leather bag can't fix. Maybe tomorrow....

D-Day

Well... the exam is over.
Was it the worse test I've ever written? No.
Was it the best? Not even close.
Was it impossibly long for the time allotment? Yes.
Did someone start to cry? No... but I was close.
Was it because I was tired and frustrated and confused? Yes.
Is it going to dictate the rest of my academic career? Probably not.
Did I look like someone ran over me with a car when I finished? Probably.
Did I start calculating my mark before I had finished the exam to see what my mark would be if I just got up and left? Yes.... 3 times.
Am I obsessing over this class because it will finally make my supervisor see what an idiot I am? Yes.
Am I listening to Damien Rice, feeling sorry for myself because I don't want to work on my project and presentation (which just happens to be due on Tuesday....)? Yes.
Do I need to stop asking questions and answering them like this? Definitely.

As visions of partial differential equations danced through my head

Well... the day after tomorrow is my exam. I have never, in my life, studied this much for an exam. If I get in there and he asks irrelevant questions that only somewhat relate to the material we have taken, then I might actually have a nervous breakdown. Right there...in the exam. I will have a full out temper tantrum with throwing fists and stomping feet... the whole nine yards.
On a lighter note. Christmas is coming. I love christmas. I love the lights, the snow, the food, the games....
I just hate the parties. I don't really understand the purpose of them. Work employees getting together for some bonding.... it is not like they spend 40+ hours a week together already. And why not? add some alcohol to the mix and see what happens! Never a good idea. Really.
I have gone to 3 parties thus far... all of them horrible. Mostly small talk of 'crazy weather we've been having hey?' or 'tough break for the university football team' or 'I know.... I've been feeling a little congested too... flu season, you know'. As you can probably tell, I suck at small talk. I can not feel out a co-workers 'significant other' in 10 minutes to decide what I can and can not say to them....and I can not engage in any witty banter with people who I despise or imagine physically hurting them on a regular basis. The worst thing about christmas parties?!?!?! They are mandatory. Maybe not officially, but unofficially? Definitely.

Conspiricy theory

I have become aware of the fact that not only will I need to convince my supervisory committee that I deserve my masters (when I defend) but EVERYONE in my boss's research group. I became privy to some information yesterday about a previous student who was 'really really stupid' who had got their masters a few months ago. Anyway, apparently everyone in the research group was really pissed that they let her defend because she didn't 'do' any of her research on her own or something. No mercy people. There is no mercy here.

Okay, so for Christmas, usually my sisters and parents get together and just chill for most of the day, eating, scrabble, poker....you know, the usual. Also, my extended family gets together for a potluck type thing (which usually extends into the wee hours of the morning...). Anyway, this year, both of my sisters have new boyfriends that are coming for this. Of course, I do not have a boyfriend....and I have also not met either one of their boyfriends yet. hmmmm. I have decided that I am going to become the loser sister who goes to family Christmas functions alone. Perfect.


A conversation I had this morning at the Tim Hortons Drive through:

Voice through teller: Hi. Can I take your order?
Me- Hi. Um, just a large black coffee and an old fashioned sugar donut.

extended silence

Voice- So that was a raspberry shot in coffee with no foam?!
Me- ummmm no. *enunciating way too much* LARGE BLACK COFFEE and an old fashioned sugar donut

another long silence

Voice-sorry. So we like, don't make the sugar donuts at this location.
Me- uhhhh well I'm pretty sure that you do.
Voice- (understandably annoyed) NO, we don't actually.
Me- um well okay, just the coffee then.
Voice- that will be $5.35
Me- A large coffee costs $1.45
Voice- You wanted a raspberry shot with no foam.
Me- No, I wanted a large black coffee. As in, NO RASPBERRY ANYTHING.
Voice- $1.45- please pull ahead.

Now, since not even the most hearing impaired person can possibly get 'raspberry' anything from 'large black coffee', I am pretty sure she meant to get my order wrong. Also, I am beginning to think that this is a Tim Horton's ploy to upgrade customers who only order coffee to pay more. I know I almost agreed with the girl because I wanted to stop the madness.

I was also unimpressed when I saw a woman exit the building with an old fashioned sugar donut. Obviously she gave in and agreed to get the raspberry shot.

Dear OM:

When I ask for help (which does not occur often), and you act like I am asking the world of you (regardless of whether it takes 30 seconds, or 30 minutes), it irritates me.
I do not ask for help often, you know this. When prompted to ask stupid (but necessary) questions that all newbies are required to ask at one point, I feel stupid enough without seeing you roll your eyes.

Please remember that someone showed you how to do this when you started, and took time out of their day to show you how to do it properly. Yes, I know that you are busy (not really) and really stressed out (not really); but I think you would be more upset if I broke the very expensive machine that you use regularly for your own analysis.

Also, I do not appreciate it when you agree to show me how to calibrate said machine, sending me to get a required part, then leave (without telling me) to go for lunch for an hour. It further irritates me when you do not come back, and I am required to ask for help once again, and seeing you act huffy once again. Please do not do this anymore or I will break it just to spite you. Thank-you.

Maryanne

My officemate.

I asked my on of my OM's (office mate) if she was cold, or if it was just me....this was our conversation.

OM- well stop working so hard

Me- Huh?

OM- When you think really hard, you get cold. (said in a matter of fact kind of way)

Me- (giggling a little) What? Where did you hear that????

OM- I don't know. It is true. You use a lot of energy when you think.

Me- (laughing now) Yeh, I am sure that is true..... but it causes all the heat to leave your body?

OM- I am not lying. In Germany, during the war, laborers were given the same food rations as the researchers.

Me- What the hell does that have to do with being cold?

OM- Even then, they knew that thinking requires a lot of energy.

Me- Again, what does that have to do with being cold?

OM- IT USES A LOT OF ENERGYYYYYYY. (obviously thinking that shouting and whining is a good way to convince me).

Me- Not all energy is heat energy. And besides, it is not like I am radiating heat.... What is wrong with you???? (Okay, well, I didn't say what is wrong with you, but the way I said the rest of it obviously implied it).

And since I've spent the entire morning reading news articles on line and writing in my blog, obviously she is correct when she says that I am cold because I am thinking too hard.......

Anyway, she is now not speaking to me.

18 days....

I have class in one hour. I am nervous for it today.
We are having a 'tutorial' for our assignments because, as you may have guessed from previous posts, they are impossible to do. Seriously.
Now you may think that this is a good thing, as it means that I am not as stupid as I think I am, and I may just possibly shave off some time from studying, as I will not have to schedule in time for freaking out...throwing my calculator and then trying to reassemble it...you know, the regular.

Anyway, I am nervous because my prof knows that I have been having trouble with them. Which means, that when he says 'okay, well, what are your questions?!?' and everyone looks down, or pretends to be furiously writing notes (Even though we haven't covered anything yet....) he will say 'okay maryanne, why don't you start?'.

Fuck.

See, I don't specifically know what my problem is. I have a sneaking suspicion that my problem is not really complex. It probably has something to do with my insane ability to make things more complicated than they have to be, or you know, an algebra mistake.
Whatever.

Plus, it is cold in my office today (likely due to the impromptu blizzard currently happening) and my entire body is tense (or frozen) making my back hurt. Also, during my walk here, snow was going in every direction and somehow managed to penetrate my jacket, so now my clothes are just slightly damp, surely decreasing my body temperature even more.

Do not piss off lesbians.

It is 3:00 am. Yes, I am aware that the time that will be posted will not correspond to this time. I do not know how to change it, nor do I have the patience to learn how, so it is going to stay as is. Just know that I am always 2 hours ahead.

I managed to do absolutely nothing today...all day. Sometimes I do not know what is wrong with me. It is beyond me why I even bothered going into work today. Really. My day was spent reading old blogs that often made me literally laugh out loud (only to receive creepy/bizarre looks from the OM's- office mates), and wandering around my building looking for someone....anyone interesting to talk to. I did so unsuccessfully, but I did manage to run into a professor that have made boarderline sexual harassment comments to (or maybe just AT) me or my friends at one time during undergrad. (Ew)

As a direct cause of said comments, the smirks that they would give me only 6 months ago have turned into awkward/shifty glances as I pass by (which is now code for 'shit.... what the hell have I done... this girl knows all about me and my sketchy past.... and she was supposed to be out of here 6 months ago!).

Ah, the politics of college. good times.

I should mention that these encounters make me (understandably) extremely uncomfortable. As an undergrad, I laughed at thier jokes (Read: come ons), and engaged in innocent banter while rapidly changing the subject.
One thing I have learned about school is to not piss of the prof. You follow this one rule and you are already ahead of the game.
Now, however, these profs are not in control of my grades.... and they never will be. The thought of me 'outing' them (so to speak) about their affliction for girls 1/2 their age, while holding a significant position of authority over them, is truely hilarious to me. I would never do so, as I do not think that putting my academic career in jeopardy is worth these men getting a slap on the wrist (as I know of a few profs who have become involved with students and nothing ever happens....) but is still hilarious to me.

So there was that today, that was mildly entertaining.

Also, I am having a little bit of a predicament with a co-grad student.
I met her last year in a upper level class, and she had sat next to me. I did not know she was a grad student at the time, and treated her as such (which I think she appreciated because she seems to have taken a liking to me). So I was talking with her after the final for said class and she mentioned that she was going home to her 'partner's' home for christmas. Her partner is a woman. I played it off like I knew she was a lesbian (I didn't) and nodded enthusiastically and asked the required questions when posed with such a comment. Apparently, my inability to differentiate gay men (that are not flamboyantly gay) from straight men also extends to include differentiating gay women from straight woman. Interesting.

So when I was walking down the stairs today, she was behind me (and although I did not know it was her, I knew someone was there...about 15 ft away) and as I rounded the first flight, she said 'Hi maryanne' at the same freaking exact time that I said 'Hi Tom' to a friend coming UP the stairs. I debated turning around and talking to her, but thought it would be weird as I would have had to engage in a dreaded 'Oh hi tom...err hi Becca.... oh wait...umm okay see you tom....what? oh...huh?' conversation. So I assumed that she thought that I hadn't heard her (because obviously, I talk super loud and drown out any outside voices) and opted to keep walking and assume that she would assume I didn't hear her. No harm....right?

So about 4 hours later, she was coming down the stairs as I was going up and I purposefully said 'Oh Hi Becca!' 'How have you been?'......Silence. Nothing. hmmmm. Does she think that I was ignoring her because she is a lesbian? I really wasn't. I am just not good in weird small talk chats with 2 people at the same time! Honest.
Do lesbians hold grudges? Am I going to get put on a lesbian hit list!? hmmmmm.
I will keep you posted.

By the way, I love lesbians.... *nervous giggle*.... please don't kill me.

Sleeping in and paranoia

I am secretly extremely excited that I get to sleep in tomorrow.
I absolutely HATE it when friends call me (continuously) at 10 am and seem to be shocked that I am still sleeping...or at least trying.

Call me lazy.
Tell me I'm wasting the weekend.
Bring it on.

Personally, I do not think that enjoying wasting my weekend is anyone's buisness but mine. Furthermore, I AM AN INSOMNIAC!!!
I will sleep as long as possible if I can actually fall asleep, and the only time I can do so is when I have absolutely nothing to do the next day.
I should mention that in order to sleep in (and by sleep in, I mean stay in bed-regardless of if I am sleeping, until I either have to pee really really bad, OR I am straving and thereby forced to get up) I often do not go to bed until 4am.

*Update*
For the past 2 weeks the shock therapy had stopped. It is now back with a vengance. My ears are really taking the brunt of it.

Sidenote- I am getting increasingly paranoid that this blog is going to find it's way to my supervisor (henseforth, known as Boss), family, and officemates. I don't really care if my friends find out, because although I may make fun of them here, they are the ones actually doing something to make fun of so whatever. While I know there are millions of blogs out there in cyberworld, I don't think too many people get shocked by their earphones....or have vocal urges to throw computers at people. hmmm.

A few things I love:

I am a strong believer that money does not make you happy. As long as I can pay the bills and not feel like I am drowning in debt, then I don't really care how much money I make. Anyway, I thought I would take a minute to appreciate things that don't cost much but make me happy:
-Getting Friday nights off to do absolutely nothing
-Chai tea with milk
-The new Damien Rice cd
-Coconut cream pudding
-Spending the entire day watching movies that I've seen 10 times already, with Leah (sister)
-Exchanging e-mails with friends that I haven't seen in years, and it is like we saw each other yesterday
-When I tell a funny story or joke that nobody gets except my dad
-The way my dog tilts his head to the side when he looks at me, like he is waiting for an answer.

Me vs. Winter

I am fed up with the weather.
I can deal with the cold, I can deal with the wind, I can even deal with snowy wind. What I can not deal with is the warming up, then freezing, then warming up, then freezing... Seriously.

I almost fell about 8 times walking to the school today. The pathways are covered in a snowy/icy hybrid covered with a thin layer of water.
First of all, it is ridiculous how slow you have to walk and how short your steps need to be (you end up looking like a 98 year old woman trying to make it across the street); and second of all, no matter how careful you are, you are guaranteed to either fall on your ass, or almost fall multiple times. I call the almost fall a 'pseudo-fall'.

So anyway, I think the pseudo-fall is MUCH worse than actually falling, and here is why:
1. When you ACTUALLY fall, whether it be on your ass or awkardly putting all your weight on your wrist or a knee on the way down.... you don't really know what is happening until you hit the ground...and by then you are so embarassed that you just brush yourself off and hussle away. Done and Done.
2. When you pseudo-fall, a surge of panic rushes through your body that is honestly one of the worst feelings in the world. What makes it worse, is that unlike the actual fall, you are left with this paniced feeling for the remainder of your walk.
3. The pseudo-fall makes you look like more of a jackass than the actual fall. This is because, in the midst of your slippage, you make a 'holy-shit' face and flail about trying to catch yourself before you hit the ground. It is a lose-lose situation. You either catch yourself and look so ridiculous that you wish you had fallen (to get the 'are you okay?!' from random strangers), or you ACTUALLY fall and really hurt yourself.
I know, I know, I am contradicting myself, but just stay with me for a second. See, when you are meant to fall, and by this, I mean that there is absolutely no hope in catching yourself, you don't even know you are falling until you hit the ground. When you pseudo-fall (slip but not fall), you are not supposed to fall, but just go with it and keep on walking. Anyway, most people over correct for the slippage and make the fall really bad. It is a lot like hitting the ditch while driving. If you find yourself closing in on the ditch, if you just drive into it, then you just drive back out and all is good. However, if you over-correct, then you will flip your car INTO the ditch causing imminent death or dismemberment.
Trying to recover from a pseudo-fall is a lot like this. By trying to catch yourself during a pseudo-fall, you actually make it worse. You end up falling in a much more awkward position than if you had been meant to fall. I have never once been seriously injured by a fall that was meant to happen...and I have fallen a lot (possibly more on this later). I have however, been really injured by trying to correct my pseudo-falls.
4. It is very common to jar your neck or back while trying to correct a pseudo-fall. This pain does not go away in a few days (like the pain would from a REAL fall.... it stays around for a few weeks, as if to protest any physical movement).
5. 99% of the time, you make a sound when you try to catch yourself. It is different for everyone, but it is never a nice sound. Usually it is a grunt, gasp, or scream.
I tend to favor the prophanities. This morning for instance. As I was trying to walk across the snow/ice covered path to class, with coffee in hand, I experience a pseudo-fall. I literally stepped down on my right foot and slipped forward a good 2 feet before recovering. In that 2 second interval, I managed to spill my coffee all over myself, make the most unflattering face of 'FUCK ME' and let out a string of prophanities and may have let out a grunt while trying to muster the strength to pull my left leg around in time to catch myself. To make matters worse, I was walking with a gorgeous classmate of mine (who is also brilliant)...who could not stop laughing (after asking if I was okay). I realize that I am not the most graceful girl, but seriously, I have enough trouble staying on my feet without the ice and/or snow fucking with me as well.

Damn seminar man

Well, the seminar was a bust. Seriously. I forgot that my department never (and i mean never) does anything on time, or orderly, or anything of the sort. For one thing, there are usually only about 20 people at these seminars (the lowly grad students who are forced to go for credit) and a few interested profs....Anyway, since I already know that these things usually start about 5-10 minutes late, I show up at about 4:03 thinking I can snatch a spot close to the door to sneak out at 4:45 or so (hopefully during the question period).
Well, I was unpleasantly surprised to find the room completely packed with undergrad students... I immediately scanned the room for a chair close to one of the doors...no such luck. I ended up sitting in the back row (thank God) in the seat FURTHEST from the door. Me, thinking that I could slither out and only the lecturer would see was appealing to me, so I settle in for a boring talk.
What I didn't know about this particular seminar was the fact that this guy was on a lecture tour, and springing for free pizza and pop for anyone who shows up....and now the undergrads squishing into the room made sense. Free food and drink is a sure fire way to make poor undergrad students come arunning. So this guy starts 10 minutes late and goes into a speech about boosting his company (total waste of time) and 10 minutes later.... the pizza arrives. This guy (rather than wait until he is done talking) stops his lecture to let everyone eat. It is now 4:25, and he has not started his schedualed lecture. Dammit. So, I am thinking that this will take about 5 minutes. It doesn't. It takes 10 minutes for everyone to get their pizza (myself NOT included because I was panic striken about being massively late for my job-which I really shouldn't even have in the first place). So I am sitting here, hungry and panicing when all of a sudden, the pop shows up. So NOW everyone who had just sat down, gets up to get some pop. FUCK! It took everything in me not to stand up and scream at the guy that some of us have shit to do so get the fuck on with your talk! Anyway, it is now 4:40 and I'm trying to plan an escape route and just as I am about to get up, the guy starts to talk.
To make matters worse, this guy who I used to have a thing for is sitting on the counter by the door because no seats are available. So now he is going to think that I came for the pizza and bolted when I finished. greeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat. So I bite the bullet and make my move to leave. As I step over a backpac in the middle of the aisle, I hit a chair and make a massively huge noise that made almost everyone turn around. dammit.
I just kept walking, with the eyes of everyone on me thinking about how rude it was for me (a lowly grad student) to disrupt this distinguished lecturer. Whatever. If he had just come and done his talk on time without bribing people with pizza, this wouldn't have happened.
I made it to work with 2 minutes to spare.
I don't know why I am working at this new job. It doesn't really make sense. It is not like i'm bored and have a whole bunch of time to spend at another job.
Agh. Whatever.
Now I get to study for my exam for 2-3 hours....until studio 60 is on.
26 days.... yikes!

Friday Blues

I have 2 hours before I have to attend a seminar lecture... they are the most boring talks ever. Silver lining: When I have to present my research at a seminar talk, I will know what not to do.

'This here...uhhh.... li...line is ummm errrr ahem, pointing to this uhhhh sut... sur.... structure...aghgh because I have realized, that uhhhhh well...ummmmm'

Okay, so not all of them are that bad. But what they lack in 'errrs and ummms' they make up for in one of two things:
1) Complete and utter uselessness of their research (which is carried out in an unscientific manner);
2) Good research, with applied uses, but is just totally and utterly BORING.

The thing is, they are given every FRIDAY afternoon at 4. Who's bright idea was that?! I mean really. On a friday, I want to go home at 3....not stay here until 5! agh. Anyway, I decided to make a little extra cash on the side during the weekends (because I'm not busy enough...), and I have to start at 5 today. I don't know how I'm gonna pull that off but I suppose we shall see.

Studying at Home.

31 days and counting...
I stayed home today, to avoid the second snow storm of the season (I didn't want a repeat of what happened the last time it snowed this much..), and I must say, the snow is much more enjoyable from inside!
Anyway, I've staked a claim on the kitchen table and am going to push through a good 8 hours of studying... no project, no research, no nothing... except studying. Lord, does it sound tiring. Usually, I like studying. I have methods that make things easy to remember, and a process that usually consists of alternating time fragments of 1 hour study, 10 minute coffee, 1 hour study, play with dog for 15 minutes, 1 hour study, 30 minute lunch, 1 hour study, 10 minute coffee...and so on. It is impossible to study for more than an hour and actually LEARN something. However, I do not like studying for this class for a few reasons
1) He has not given a required text book, but rather RECOMMENDED reading. This really means, 'here are 4 text books an 2 sheets of journal articles to read', they are all covered on the final. Gross. There is too much info for one person to cram into their noggen. Even if I have 31 days.
2) His notes don't makes sense. Most of the really hard stuff is not shown, rather, he just says stuff like 'derive in class', 'example in class' and so on. My class notes look more like:

-As temperature increases, and surface area is increased, then the most important reaction that can take places is.... what the fuck?! LOOK THIS UP. agh. *underline look this up*.

Studying at home is not all it is cracked up to be though. Between my dog begging for biscuits, then begging to go outside, then begging for more biscuits, then wanting to sit on my lap (he is little), my mom doing something in the kitchen, or vacuuming, or talking to me and then saying 'oh i'm sorry honey, are you busy?' and my dad coming home for lunch and spreading the newspaper allllllll over my papers and chuckling to himself and saying 'oh you need a break anyway' heh heh. It is not easy to get anything done.
Reason 123 to move out!

Countdown...32 days.

So my final is in 32 days. I still don't know how I am going to pass it, let alone get a 'great' mark. Although you may think that the countdown is to my final, it is really a countdown to my failure as a grad student. The day when my supervisor will finally see what an idiot I am, and wonder why the hell he gave me this opportunity.
Most people would think that 32 days is ample time to prepare for a final, but this is no ordinary class. It is 6 classes wrapped into one. Really, for me, it is 8. I don't have the pre req's for the class... why you ask?! Because my supervisor didn't think it necessary. So when he teaches one concept (touching on 8 other concepts) I have to research and learn (on my own) the previous 8 to understand the one he was teaching. Agh.

I have had a sinking feeling that this day was approaching for about a month, however, it was amplified exponentially after leaving class today. Usually I can somewhat follow what he is talking about... but not today, he just kept talking about random cases that made absolutely no sense to me.
I have so much work to do, that thinking about it is exhausting.
I don't know what I am going to do about this but...maybe I'll dig myself out. We'll see.
Plus, I feel like shit today. I always do when I eat greasy or sugary foods, and that is what I did all weekend, to try and push my approaching immenent doom out of my head.
Is it possible to gain 20 lbs in one weekend? Because I think I did. Gross.

Pet Peeve of the day: People who speed up behind me and pass me, then cut me off and go slower than I was going. Seriously. WTF?

Snow storms and all of their glory.

This morning I awoke to a glorious downfall of pure white snow blanketing the ground and everything touching it. ahhh. I love snow. I won't deny it. It make me feel like i'm 10 years old again with no worries in the world. Alas...this feeling did not last long. I should make it clear that while I love snow like a 10 year old child, I also hate it like the birds that fly south for the winter.
I remember thinking at around 6am that the snow fall would not last long.... 7:30 rolls around and still no signs of stopping. I haven't left for school because I would rather sit at home and wait for the morning traffic to clear the roads (somewhat) and die down a little. 3 cups of coffee later I decide to take the plunge and header on out.
My car had a foot of snow piled on every surface that was even slightly horizontal.
Oh well, I say.... the price for a glorious snow storm.
20 minutes later I have removed all snow from the car.... it is now on the ground (on top of that foot of snow) as I trample over it trying not to pack any more into my socks as my ankles are going numb.
At this point I am only slightly irritated.....quite manageable.
Then, I realize that not only did it snow, but it rained last night (before the snow) so all of my windows are covered in ice. Have you ever tried to scrape ice from a windshield?! If so, then you know my frustration...if not, then I hope you never will.
Anyway, 20 minutes later of scraping away the ice, I finally finish (it is now 9:30). As I walk around my car, with my nice wool jacket covered in sticky snow, I hit a patch on the drive way that the snow has been blown off to unveil glassy ice on the cement and BAM! I hit the ground like a 300 pound man doing a belly flop. This was not graceful by any means of the imagination. As I lay there in the snow, I think about how lucky I was to have fallen onto mounds of soft snow. Granted, I am now completely covered in the sticky snow (which will surely melt to make me soaking wet), andI get in my little car and attempt the measly 15 minute commute to the university.
I made it 10 meters.
I got stuck infront of my house. Perfect. Reverse, forward, reverse, forward....rocking myself back and forth, I finally get some traction and I am on my way.... 10 meters later I do a 360 at the corner and 2 inches from a parked car....I almost shit myself.
I make it to the freeway and traffic is going 40 km/hr.... it takes me 20 minutes to make it to my exit, at which point, I think I'm home free.
I cautiously make it to the campus and pull into the parking lot.....then I come to the realization that the snow has not been paved... not even close. Cars are strewn about, half parked, half stuck, half in the middle of a lane abandoned.
My game plan was to park as close to the exit as possible so I did not have to navigate through the snowy abyss that is my parking lot. Parking attempt 1, 2 and 3 were not acceptable.... too much snow. At one point I did get stuck and a nice cute boy offered to push me out. I graciously accepted his offer and smiled sweetly, only to go back to swearing like a longshoreman as soon as I closed the window.
What I had forgotten is that my new car has reverse in the upper left corner of the stickshift.... not the lower right. So I look down to see the gear shift in the 1st gear (really in reverse) and floor it. I almost ran this kid over. Jesus Christ. He left, uninjured and surely changed for life, while I slowly make my way to a parking spot and back over the snow many many times.

Now, all I have to do is walk to the building (typically 5 or 7 minutes). Today it took me 16.
Between the ice under the snow, the mounded balls of snow packed over it, the 1 foot diameter walkway, and the rude/ungentlemenly like men walking in the opposite direction who refused to step on the snow surrounding said walkway, I arrived at the building door muttering and glaring with mascara running down my face and wet hair.

At this point, I am clearly not happy about the snowstorm that had pleased me only hours before and I climb up the 3 flights of stairs to my office to find Brit, along with 3 other grad students laughing and talking and asking 'what took you so long?!' to me as I peel off the wet jacket to reveal wet jeans and sweater. Apparently, they didn't notice that there is a fucking snow storm happening outside and they were flown to school on a magical carpet that does not get stuck in snow.
And now I'm here.... 2 hours late....with class in 30 minutes (for which I have not finished that assignment) and grouchy.

Why can't I be 10 again!?

Just shoot me in the head already

I have been working on the same effing assignment all day. I finally think I made some progress and decided to get it checked before I further bury myself in spreadsheets and formulas and unknown variables. I receive a reply to my e-mail (and attached assignment) from my prof less than 2 minutes after I sent it. WTF?! Do not tell me that you read my assignment, found ALL the mistakes (there MUST have been some) and wrote a 1 pg explanation about what I SHOULD do instead. No. It is obvious that I am not the only person who can't do this assignment in any sort of reasonable time frame, and he has already sent out the exact reply to god knows how many other struggling students with the exception of changing
To: insert name here.

Fuck. He didn't even address the questions that I specifically asked. Fuck.

To top it all off, 2 hours later, I get the same effing answer that I had gotten BEFORE I did it his way. sweet. Basically, he didn't look at my assignment, but just ASSUMED that I had done it wrong and re-worded his freaking instructions in the first place! Fuck me.

Also, I am getting increasingly irritated at Brit (office mate). I am fairly new here and I don't give out my office number to friends or family (because I think it is unprofessional considering that I am sharing an office with 4 other people). Anyway, everytime the phone rings, I know it is not for me because anyone who knows that I am in this office would e-mail me first because they know it is the easiest way to get a hold of me as I can not stay in this beige office for more than 2 hours at a time. Okay, so even though the entire 4 months that I've been here, the phone has NOT been for me, Brit refuses to get up to answer it....and it is ALWAYS for her! FUCK. So not only do I have to get up, interupt my train of thought/trip over her freaking boxes everywhere and give her the phone, but she acts SURPRISED that it is for her!!!! Her son calls, her husband calls, her fucking obgyn calls, AND she has a cell phone. If she is initiating some sort of mind warfare on me then bring it on biatch. You are going down.

Music mantra

In my opinion, I think that a good song (that will last for more than 1 month on your iPod) will do one of two things:
1) Make you feel instantly like nothing is bothering you...as if nothing bad has ever happened.
2) Make you cry

Personally, I tend to LOVE the songs that make me cry.... it is strange but whatever.
I will be compiling a list of my favourite songs eventually because my taste in music is seriously untouchable..... really, it is good. Just trust me!

A few of my favourite cd's: (In order to qualify for this list, I have to be able to listen through the entire cd without feeling like I want to skip a song...it is rare, but does occur).

August and Everything after- Counting Crows
The Used- The Used
Sometimes- City and Colour
O- Damien Rice
Rush of Blood- Coldplay
Everything in Transit- Jack's Mannequin
Impossible Dream- Patty Griffin
One fell swoop- The spill canvas

Buy any one of these cd's and you won't regret it.

The dream of time travel

I am sitting at my desk (it is noon) wondering how I can make the next 5 hours go by faster. I am desperate to get out of here today and have no chance of doing so.
It is funny, because no one cares if I am here or not... because the thing is, is that if I am not here, I am only sabatoging myself. Really, whether I can get a 90 in my ridiculously hard grad class and make a lot of progress in my thesis in 30 days or 60 days does not matter. I still have to get both of them done.

My head is going numb. I actually did work for 3 hours straight this morning (which is quite a feat. for me lately). My hand hurts from writing so much... my eye's hurt from focusing... and I am running on like 3 hours of sleep. This insomnia thing is getting really old. I think I have been an insomniac for many many years... but did not know that I was.
Even when I finally did fall asleep last night, I had a strange dream about cracking my head open (and not noticing for a few months) and then going to the hospital for muscle spasms....which then got out of control. I felt like I was in an episode of House... geez.

Update on the shocking issue: Have not blown self up yet. I am pretty happy about it.

My Mom.

Mom: Have things stopped shocking you?
Me: No... but they are getting less severe... probably because I am building up a tolerance for them.
Mom: I was reading about this on the internet you know...
Me: Really? And?
Mom: Your MP3 player is altering the electric balance in your body.
Me: Sweet....
Mom: Also, if you work in a lab with explosive materials, which you do, then you run the risk of explosion.
Me: As in, I will blow myself up?
Mom: well.... yes.
Me: Awesome. So what should I do? Wear a rubber helmet and hope for the best?
Mom: Go see a doctor.
Me: And say what????? 'Hi Doc. I'm getting shocked all the time. Can you give me a perscription?' Fuck.

Damn the Man

So my supervisor is sending people to ME who are asking HIM for help.
Some PhD. student just tracked me down to ask me about something so complex that I don't even understand.... and then asked if I have any good references for him. Why the hell does he think that I would know?! Because the boss tells him that 'I'm really good....I will know all of that'. FUCK.
I just said I would go through my references and e-mail them to him when I find them.
Which is code for.... I don't have an effing clue what you are talking about, so i'm going to spend my night researching the random statements that I could understand and let you know.

Plus, have I mentioned that I hate my office mate...we'll call her Brit. She is 50ish and is very very set in her ways. If I have to listen to her tell me about how everyone is on a power trip and how much harder it was 20 years ago....I swear to God.. this computer is getting thrown at her head.

Inadequacies and all that goes with it...

I think I need to take a minute to explain a little bit about how ridiculous it is that I am in grad studies.
I some how managed to get accepted into graduate studies with a supervisor who publishes papers monthly about new and exciting data he has collected or problems that he has been able to solve. For the past 4 months, I have been playing the game...doing what he tells me to do and feeling more clueless everyday. How is it that I have seemed to have fooled everyone into believing that I am smart enough to do this?
I am not saying this to be modest or humble....I am saying this because it is true.
I know I am not stupid....but I definitely seem to give off the impression that I am smarter than I think I am.... I want to ask him what he saw in me to offer me this position....maybe when I get my masters, it will be a less inappropriate question?

Anyway... My life as a struggling grad student continues.

WTF

Okay, so I thought I was just being paranoid, or maybe insane for the past month but seriously, I am getting super irritated.
This is going to sound stupid but I swear to God I am not making this up.
Everything/everyone is shocking me....all the time. Not in the 'oh my God, I'm so shocked' kind of way, but as in electroshock therepy all goddamn day. I don't know if the electrons in my body just aren't down with being there and feel the need to explosively jump to the closest thing possible to me...but i'm getting seriously irritated.

When I put on my wool jacket....SHOCK. When I close my car door....SHOCK. When I put my effing earphones in to my iPod?????? SHOCK.... (in my ears...weird and very uncomforatble).

And this is no 'oops... sorry, I shocked you' kind of shock. It is a 'mother fucker, that hurt' kind of shock. For instance: the sound. Let's just deconstruct this for a moment. When the person across the street hears some weird snapping noise and looks up from what they are doing to see me mouthing 'MOTHER FUCKER' or holding my throbbing finger..... I think there is a problem.

I am also slightly concerned about losing brain cells because seriously.... you can't tell me that having my earphones shock me at like 10 volts at the same time, when my brain is somewhere inbetween, can be helping them regenerate... no... it is just killing them.

I went out and bought new earphones (that cost more than $5....), hoping that maybe there was just a short circuit in the wires or something that was redirecting the voltage to my ears... but alas... no luck.
I might just have to accept the fact that I am a walking, talking ball of electrostatic energy.
Maybe I need to think about wearing some sort of energy grounding rubber apparatus.

I hate television

No....no I don't. I secretly want to have a love affair with it. It takes you away from everything real an annoying in your own life to whisk you away to a basement in the 70's, or lost on an island with 20 stangers, or into the life of someone that you admire.
What I do hate about television: relality television. It is taking over the networks and the shows with any substance which make you think, or do anything besides scream at the television 'TAKE THE DEAL!!!!' or 'EWWWWW HE ATE 3 POUNDS OF COCKROACHES' or 'DON'T GIVE HER A CLOCK FLAVA FLAV!!!!!!' get cancelled.
I will admit that I watch some reality tv.....HOWEVER.... when shows that I like get cancelled because the bachelor-rome has higher ratings, I want to boycott it.
What show am I pissed about you ask?!
Studio 60 on the sunset strip. It is funny and politically incorrect and sarcastic and it has Matthew Perry in it (always my favourite FRIEND). At the moment it is in television limbo and I am quite upset about that.
Screw Mark Burnett and his insane ability to bring the worst out in people and broadcast it over the world for everyone to watch.

Intro's and such...

I am starting this blog to chronicle my years as a graduate student..... as I need an outlet for my frustrations and thoughts as I am beginning to see that this is not an easy endevour.