It is over.

I just got home from a 3 day trip to a conference where I was to present a talk about my proposed research to industry professionals....and my entire research group.
Before listening to the 6 presenters before me, I felt okay about going up in front of 70 people (all but 5 of them men) who have worked in industry for longer than I've been alive. But after listening to the 6 previous presentations, I felt a little overwhelmed and started to feel my heart start beating faster, my mouth getting dry, and fidgeting in my seat.

When I began walking towards the front of the lecture room, I could feel the stares as if they were boring into the back of my head, increasing my nerves. I set up my presentation and launched into my introduction... hoping to feel a little more comfortable, but caught the eyes of many of the men sitting in the front row. I felt like I was 5 years old and hiding behind my dad (in this case, the podium) so that I didn't have to see the scary men looking at me. Because, as we all know, if you can't see it, it is not real.
Immediately I lost my thought process and began stumbling a little bit. I did recover eventually, but not before repeating myself a few times... while wondering if I had already said that.... and then realizing I had. This prompted me begin avoiding eye-contact with everyone in the room and thinking 'just get through it, just get through it'. And I did.

Conveniently, I was the last presentation before lunch, and as soon as I finished talking people began getting up and moving to the buffet line. Something though, didn't seem right. Every presenter before me was drilled by the audience about experimental methods, data interpretation and conclusions. But for my presentation? Not one question. I remember awkwardly asking if anyone had any questions, and thinking to myself 'of course they don't.... they probably think that you will start to cry if they ask you anything'. I am not going to lie.... I probably would have. My God was it intimidating.

Anyway, while most of the men deemed it appropriate to leave me alone while in front of the entire audience.... they also thought it appropriate to approach me during the 45 minute lunch and say patronizing things to me like 'oh, you did well', 'that must have been tough...you just started!', and 'Good presentation' while giving me sympathetic smiles. I felt like I was in kindergarten and had spelt my name wrong on my finger painting, but my teacher didn't want to make me feel bad, so she just said 'ohhhh pretty picture....way to go'. I almost wish that someone had said to me 'Well.... it wasn't the best presentation, but the information was there'. Or, 'You know, we all suck at presentations when we start.... you will get better'. At least ACKNOWLEDGE the fact that the presentation was a good 10 minutes of speed talking, intermittent with rapid eye contact (avoidance). I would seriously be surprised if ANYONE knew what I was talking about....

Anyway, to make matters worse, my entire research group seem to have a knack for speaking in front of large groups of middle-aged men who are intimidating as all hell, while looking laid-back and relaxed.... and cracking jokes that just 'came to them' while up there. So afterwards, I was constantly hearing 'wow, you guys did such a good job' and 'what a good research team' and 'geez, way to stack the deck *boss', while thinking 'obviously, they are not talking about me... why are they saying these things? Please stop talking about it..... it never happened.' I seriously considered finding a bathroom stall to curl up in the corner and begin rocking back and forth while in the fetal position.

It is entirely possible that I am exaggerating the extent of my suckage.... but I doubt it.